A Memory of Christmas Long Past
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Will Hotch be able to help Rossi face the demons haunting his Christmases long past? Written in response to Kavi Leighanna and Sienna27's TV Prompt Challenge: South Park - "Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!" THREE CHAPTERS Slight slash
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: My co-author and I would like to announce that our core stories (Sunday and Monday weekly publications) will be on hiatus for the weekend after Thanksgiving (an American Holiday on November 25, 2010). Due to familial obligations, we do believe there will be a week break on those ongoing stories. We will continue to publish one-shots and shorter stories through the holiday week.**

**Also, we're drawing near the close of our first annual Criminal Minds Profiler's Choice Awards. WE CURRENTLY HAVE ****EIGHT**** DAYS LEFT TO VOTE FOR OUR FAVORITE AUTHORS AND STORIES. Please remember to try and spare a few moments over the upcoming days and ****VOTE**** for your favorite authors and stories in the "Profiler's Choice Awards" at "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. You have through the end of November 30, 2010 to let your voice and vote be heard, and we want to hear from each one of you. If you don't know much about forums, links can be found through either my profile (ilovetvalot) or my awesome co-author (tonnie2001969). Remember, anyone that wants to help advertise the awards has our unending gratitude, and there is also a short blurb you can use on our profile pages.**

**Want to win some free Christmas cash? We're giving away a $5 Amazon gift card to the 200th voter in the Profiler's Choice Criminal Minds ****Awards on FF. Net (funded entirely by the moderators). We have well over one hundred voters already, so who knows...you could be the 200th and win the awesome Amazon card!**

**Also...since we deeply appreciate everyone who has voted and will vote...we are also giving away another $5 gift card to a lucky voter that we will draw randomly. This could be voter number one..seventy-four...or three hundred! Both gift cards will be sent by email, so you don't have to share any personal information to claim your prize! We will notify the winners by PM when the awards are complete.**

**We also want to take a moment and remind all those participants that have signed up for the Criminal Minds Christmas Fic Gift Exchange that we have just over a month to complete our gifts and publish them for our recipients. If anyone has any questions, please contact us via private message.**

**And finally, we'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their continued support of our stories. We truly appreciate each review, favorite, alert and private message. It means a lot to us. Please let us continue to hear from each of you!**

* * *

**A Memory of Christmas Long Past**

_**Prompt: South Park - "Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!"**_

**Chapter One**

Climbing out of his black Ford Explorer, Aaron Hotchner shivered as a cold breeze whipped over him, pulling his brown leather jacket tighter around his muscular chest. Inhaling the crisp winter air, he looked around at his surroundings, wondering if the bleak weather was a portent of things to come.

It had been nearly a month since he'd been here. Nearly a month since he'd seen his lover's face. A near month since David Rossi had commenced his month long self-imposed exile from all things familiar.

And enough was enough.

Nightly phone calls no longer made the ache of missing him ebb. His distant voice only served as a reminder that he wasn't where he should be. He wasn't with them.

Intellectually, he understood Dave's need to take a step back from everything and everyone. He'd done it himself after Foyet had wreaked havoc on his life. It was a self-protective defense mechanism. But, Dave had helped him through it, assisted him in overcoming that knee jerk reaction by loving him, supporting him. Dave had steadfastly refused to let him travel down the proverbial rabbit hole alone.

Dave hadn't accomplished his mission by allowing Aaron to wallow alone with the demons that haunted his every moment. And now that they were finally together...now that Aaron had a right to actually voice an opinion...he couldn't allow his lover to suffer through his melancholy alone either.

It was more than just couldn't….he wouldn't.

Pausing in front of the vehicle, Hotch glanced toward the familiar house and noted the darkened windows. The empty resounding sound of an axe hitting wood filtered through the wind, and he knew where to begin and end his search.

Striding purposefully around the side of the cabin, Hotch's breath caught in his throat as he glimpsed his first sight of Rossi. His long arm flew through the air to land against the wood logs with a violent force. His unkempt bearded face was fierce as he hacked at the wood in front of him, the woodpile beside him a towering mountain of firewood.

Pausing a few feet away, Hotch smiled faintly as he greeted, "Well, Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson."

Stiffening as he heard the familiar deep voice behind him, David Rossi's hand faltered mid-swing. Looking over his shoulder, his lips tightened as he drew the axe back again. He was NOT supposed to be here. "Aaron," he said, lowering the axe with a fierceness and burying it in the log in front of him, "we agreed that we wouldn't see each other until the first of the year," he said, turning around to face the younger man.

"You agreed, Dave," Hotch corrected, watching carefully as the older man's motions slowed. "Actually, no...small correction," he said, arching one brow "You ordered...I never said I would abide by your decision," he shrugged, walking toward Dave. "I think I've been patient enough. You've been here almost a month. It's time to come back, Dave."

"I can't do that, Aaron," Dave denied softly, shaking his head as he dusted his hands against his jeans. God, he'd missed the other man...missed their son. Well, Hotch's son, he mentally corrected with a tired sigh. While Jack called him Papa, Hotch hadn't given him any legal rights yet. He'd been hoping to change that. When he'd left, Aaron had even agreed to give it some serious thought. Then, of course, the holiday season had set in and the old depression he experienced every year had reared its ugly head. Now, he supposed, even that was up in the air again. He felt like his present happiness was being held captive, just out of his grasping reach.

"Come home, Dave," Hotch replied softly, his eyes softening as he gazed at his lover, carefully taking stock of the dark circles that were tattooed under Dave's tired eyes. The grey skies may be hiding more than just the sunlight, he thought with a frown, knowing that clouds were obviously trying to surround Dave as well.

"Go home, Aaron," Dave demanded, his harsh words belied by his benign tone. "I'm not ready to come back yet," he continued, reaching for the axe again, his calloused hands no longer feeling the smooth wood against his palm, hours of work having numbed the feeling.

Grabbing Dave's arm just as his hand touched the tool, Hotch shook his head. "Tough," he said firmly, pulling Dave's arm away. "I miss you. Jack misses you. We want you to come back."

"I will, Aaron. I told Jack I'd be home next week when we talked last night," Dave replied quietly. "And I will be. But for now, I need to be here."

"What are you getting here that you couldn't have at home with us?" Hotch snapped, his lips tightening as he tried to read behind the hooded gaze. "What the hell is this seclusion doing for you?"

"It's not about what it does for me," Dave snarled, his eyes flashing as his jaw flexed, his fist clenching at his side as he tried to control the rising wave threatening to overtake him once again. "It's about what it keeps you from seeing...from dealing with. I hate Christmas, Aaron. I hate the holiday and all the bullshit that goes along with it. But I know you don't. Jack doesn't. And I will not ruin that little boy's memories because my head goes to a fucked up place every year around this time." Inhaling deeply, he stepped back from Aaron, wood chips scattering against his boots. "Now, go home, Aaron."

"This is about a hell of a lot more than an old case that went south, isn't it, Dave?" Hotch asked calmly, watching the elder man's face pale slightly, his only sign that he had finally reached some hidden target he had feared had been out of reach. He had given this situation his undivided attention for days, knowing that he had missed something, some important fact that would bring this puzzle into focus. And his ponderings had led him to this place..to this moment.

"Leave it alone, Aaron," Dave ordered roughly, pulling his arm from Hotch's grasp and stomping angrily toward the back porch of the cabin. Once again, his mind threatened to shut down, to protect him and those around him by burying himself in the seclusion only made possible by dark places and deep glasses.

"I've left it alone, Dave. For years," Hotch countered, dogging the other man's footsteps as they reached the heavy stone steps leading to the porch. Damn it, he wasn't leaving here without at least understanding the problem. He'd watched Dave's annual shutdown since they'd met almost twenty years ago. And he'd let it go...because he'd had to...because back then, it hadn't been his right to question him. Things had changed now.

Now, he'd be damned if he let it go on another year.

Now, it was imperative that he get to the bottom of the mystery shrouding Rossi's life. Whether Dave liked it or not, their lives were now woven together, stitched tightly with binding threads that wrapped through the layers of them all – Dave, Aaron, and Jack. What affected Rossi had a direct effect on him...on his son. He owed it to all of them to persevere.

"Then keep doing that," Dave growled over his shoulder, angrily attempting to ignore the closeness of the other man as he determinedly moved toward his sanctuary. "It works for me."

"Well, it doesn't work for our family," Hotch bit out, slamming the back door behind him as he trailed Dave into the house. "Goddamn it, talk to me, David!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: My co-author and I would like to announce that our core stories (Sunday and Monday weekly publications) will be on hiatus for the weekend after Thanksgiving (an American Holiday on November 25, 2010). Due to familial obligations, we do believe there will be a week break on those ongoing stories. We will continue to publish one-shots and shorter stories through the holiday week.**

**Also, we're drawing near the close of our first annual Criminal Minds Profiler's Choice Awards. WE CURRENTLY HAVE ****SIX**** DAYS LEFT TO VOTE FOR OUR FAVORITE AUTHORS AND STORIES. Please remember to try and spare a few moments over the upcoming days and ****VOTE**** for your favorite authors and stories in the "Profiler's Choice Awards" at "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. You have through the end of November 30, 2010 to let your voice and vote be heard, and we want to hear from each one of you. If you don't know much about forums, links can be found through either my profile (ilovetvalot) or my awesome co-author (tonnie2001969). Remember, anyone that wants to help advertise the awards has our unending gratitude, and there is also a short blurb you can use on our profile pages.**

**Want to win some free Christmas cash? We're giving away a $5 Amazon gift card to the 200th voter in the Profiler's Choice Criminal Minds ****Fanfic. net**** Awards (funded by the moderators). We have well over one hundred voters already, so who knows...you could be the 200th and win the awesome Amazon card!**

**Also...since we deeply appreciate everyone who has voted and will vote...we are also giving away another $5 gift card to a lucky voter that we will draw randomly. This could be voter number one..seventy-four...or three hundred! Both gift cards will be sent by email, so you don't have to share any personal information to claim your prize! We will notify the winners by PM when the awards are complete.**

**We also want to take a moment and remind all those participants that have signed up for the Criminal Minds Christmas Fic Gift Exchange that we have just over a month to complete our gifts and publish them for our recipients. If anyone has any questions, please contact us via private message.**

**We also have a new interview with fellow author, Laurella. Please check it out.**

**And finally, we'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their continued support of our stories. We truly appreciate each review, favorite, alert and private message. It means a lot to us. Please let us continue to hear from each of you!**

* * *

**A Memory of Christmas Long Past**

**Chapter 2**

"I can't, Aaron," Dave declared faintly, bracing both hands on the kitchen counter in front of the coffeepot as he hung his head, his emotions once again rising with a fury that rivaled the greatest volcano. "I just can't. I'm sorry," he whispered, his throat tightening as he breathed through his nose.

"That's bullshit," Hotch snapped authoritatively, shrugging off his jacket and draping it over a kitchen chair as he stared at the hunched back of his lover. "You and I both know it. There's not a damn thing you can't do once you make up your mind to do it."

"Fine," Dave amended, his jaw clenching as he drew back his shoulders, ignoring the tightness in his chest. "Maybe I don't want to," he continued, turning to glare at Hotch. "You, above all people, should know that some wounds are just too painful to reopen."

Smiling sadly, Hotch shook his head at the man he loved. "That's just it, Dave. This wound already is open. It just festers and oozes at this time of year, but it's always open. Don't you think it's time to put a bandage on it?"

"You don't understand, Aaron," Dave replied sadly, his shoulders slumping slightly. "I can't."

"You haven't tried," Hotch countered, crossing his arms over his chest. "At least, not with me."

"I have tried. Especially this year. I thought, maybe, with Jack it could be different. That it could give me some peace. Some closure. Some sense that I'd come full circle. But I was wrong. It hurt worse than it ever has before. I had to leave, Aaron," Dave rambled, his words coming quickly in the kitchen, his mind fighting the waves that flew through his body as he tried to find his way to the surface. But putting words to the overwhelming emotions seemed harder than he had anticipated, and he realized he was fighting a losing battle.

Eyebrows furrowing, Hotch listened to the other man babble, trying to follow the conversation. "Dave," Hotch said calmly as the motor in the old refrigerator in the corner kicked on, an low hum vibrating through the room, "Slow down. I don't understand what you're talking about. Why would Jack make Christmas even harder for you? Kids are what Christmas is all about."

"I know that, Aaron," Dave replied hoarsely, hanging his head in defeat, his chest tightening with a bitterness he recognized well. "Better than you think."

A shiver of unease crept down Aaron's spine as he listened to Dave's dull words. Moving across the room, he lifted his hands to cup Dave's cheeks, redirecting his lover's averted gaze back to him. "I can accept that. But I need to understand, Dave. And you're the only one with the answers I need."

Seeing the determination reflected in Aaron's intense stare, Dave sighed, the sound heavy in the air. Licking his dry lips, Dave realized arguing wasn't going to work. He couldn't ignore his way out of this conversation. Aaron knew every one of his tricks. And he knew without being told that his best friend wouldn't have a problem calling him on his crap. "Can we at least go sit down?"

Dropping his hands as he realized that he was not being rebuffed, Aaron nodded. "Sure," he agreed, reaching for Dave's hand and guiding the other man into the sparsely furnished family room.

Sitting beside Aaron on the black leather sofa, Dave stared out the bay window facing him, no television to block his view. He'd never felt the need for one. He used this retreat for two purposes. To hunt and to escape reality. A television wasn't exactly conducive to that. But, he'd give anything now to have a distraction from Aaron's eyes boring into him, waiting for him to unburden his soul.

"Dave, I can wait you out," Hotch warned him, turning on the sofa to have a better view. "JJ and Will have Jack and they're more than prepared to keep him until I manage to coax, or bully if necessary, you back home where you belong."

"Stubborn bastard," Dave muttered, scrubbing a hand down his face. Damn, he had more facial hair than Grizzly Adams. It was a wonder that Aaron had even recognized him.

"Pot, meet kettle," Hotch returned dryly, reaching for Dave's hand, noticing immediately how cool his skin still was. Being the demonstrative party in their relationship was a novelty to him. Usually Dave was the instigator of touches in their relationship, whether because of his familiar background or his Italian heritage, Aaron wasn't sure. But now, it was him reaching out, needing to reaffirm their connection.

"I guess so," Dave admitted before drawing in a deep breath, his body preparing for the showdown that was just hovering around the proverbial corner. "You were right," he began starkly, his voice hollow even to his own ears.

"About?" Hotch inquired, stroking his thumb against the vein in Dave's hand, reminding himself not to push, to give Dave the time he needed.

"It's more than just the Galen case," Dave muttered, each word seeming to fight its way out of his suddenly constricted throat. "This pain was there long before that. The Galens only reinforced the feelings I already had."

"All right," Hotch replied softly. "I'm assuming the root of this stems from something in your past," Hotch prodded gently, well aware that Dave didn't like to spend a lot of time revisiting the skeletons in his closet.

"Yeah," Dave said grimly. Swallowing, he confided, his voice lower than a whisper, "I had a daughter, Aaron."

Shocked, Aaron blinked as he turned to stare at Dave's profile as he sat statue still beside him. "What?"

"A little girl," Dave nodded, his mind no longer recognizing the shock in Aaron's voice. "I had her for exactly twenty-three hours and thirteen minutes. She died on December 25th, 1974. She would have been thirty-six this year," he said distantly, his voice factual, almost as if he was reciting weather statistics rather than his own soul-wrenching history.

"Dave..." Hotch trailed off, uncertain what he could say to the man he loved that could possibly make his pain more bearable. "I had no idea."

"I don't talk about it, Aaron. Ever," he said tersely, his jaw clenching as he tried to regain control.

"Maybe you should try," Hotch murmured, tightening his hand around Rossi's.

Gathering his strength, Dave nodded as he struggled to find words, knowing that Aaron deserved more than the taciturn façade he had perfected. "The doctor's said she had a hole in her heart. Now, she would have lived...but then..." Dave trailed off, feeling tears fill his eyes as he remembered the pain of letting his child slip away, her tiny fingers barely strong enough to even rest against his. "There was nothing they could do," he said hoarsely, his breath catching.

"Jesus," Hotch sighed.

"I held her. I just rocked while she slipped away from me...while those fucking nurses stood around singing Christmas carols in the hallway, my daughter died," he bit out bitterly, feeling a hot tear slide down his face, acidic heat eating at his throat. "I hate Christmas, Aaron. Since I was twenty-one fucking years old, I've despised this holiday. It reminds me of every fucking thing I've ever lost in my life. But mostly it reminds me of Maria Anna Rossi. My daughter."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: My co-author and I would like to announce that our core stories (Sunday and Monday weekly publications) will be on hiatus for the weekend after Thanksgiving (an American Holiday on November 25, 2010). Due to familial obligations, we do believe there will be a week break on those ongoing stories. We will continue to publish one-shots and shorter stories through the holiday week.**

**Also, we're drawing near the close of our first annual Criminal Minds Profiler's Choice Awards. WE CURRENTLY HAVE ****FOUR**** DAYS LEFT TO VOTE FOR OUR FAVORITE AUTHORS AND STORIES. Please remember to try and spare a few moments over the upcoming days and ****VOTE**** for your favorite authors and stories in the "Profiler's Choice Awards" at "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. You have through the end of November 30, 2010 to let your voice and vote be heard, and we want to hear from each one of you. If you don't know much about forums, links can be found through either my profile (ilovetvalot) or my awesome co-author (tonnie2001969). Please send your votes to the PM listed in the rules (found on the forum) or your ballot can't be counted! Remember, anyone that wants to help advertise the awards has our unending gratitude, and there is also a short blurb you can use on our profile pages.**

**Want to win some free Christmas cash? We're giving away a $5 Amazon gift card to the 200th voter in the Profiler's Choice Criminal Minds ****Fanfic. net**** Awards (funded by the moderators). We have well over one hundred voters already, so who knows...you could be the 200th and win the awesome Amazon card!**

**Also...since we deeply appreciate everyone who has voted and will vote...we are also giving away another $5 gift card to a lucky voter that we will draw randomly. This could be voter number one..seventy-four...or three hundred! Both gift cards will be sent by email, so you don't have to share any personal information to claim your prize! We will notify the winners by PM when the awards are complete.**

**We also want to take a moment and remind all those participants that have signed up for the Criminal Minds Christmas Fic Gift Exchange that we have just over a month to complete our gifts and publish them for our recipients. If anyone has any questions, please contact us via private message.**

**We also have a new interview with fellow author, Laurella. Please check it out.**

**And finally, we'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their continued support of our stories. We truly appreciate each review, favorite, alert and private message. It means a lot to us. Please let us continue to hear from each of you!**

* * *

**Chapter Three**

"Dave," Hotch whispered, wrapping his arm around his lover, ignoring the stiffened shoulders, "I'm sorry. So, so sorry."

"I would have been a good father," Dave choked, his hands balling into fists against his thighs as pictures floated unbidden through his mind, his memories of his daughter threatening to devastate his fragile hold on his sanity.

"You are a good father," Hotch murmured against Dave's temple as the other man squeezed his eyes shut.

And with those words, the stone dam that Dave had laid brick by brick suddenly broke, the first crack spreading widely and out of control.

"A-aron," Dave wept brokenly, turning his face into Hotch's neck, unable to stop now that the break had happened.

"I'm here," Hotch reassured the other man, burying his hand in Dave's dark hair as over thirty years of pent-up grief erupted.

The storm raged inside Dave for what felt like eons. Grief unlike any he'd known before swamped him. And in those minutes, Maria's passing felt like it had occurred hours ago instead of the three decades that had lapsed. His fears, his bitterness, his inadequacies rolled violently to the surface, only to be overtaken by the sense of loss that left him with a gaping hole in his soul. Thankful for the secure arms holding him as his sobs turned into gasps, Dave clutched Hotch's shirt in a white knuckled grip, desperate to hang on to the one steady thing in his world.

Rubbing his cheek against Hotch's shirt as he finally regained the ability to speak, he whispered gruffly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"I swear to God, Dave, if you apologize for this I may kill you with my bare hands," Hotch muttered against Dave's hair, his own tears drying on his cheeks. "I love you," he whispered, pressing his lips to the crown of Rossi's head. "You've been my rock. My safe place. Please, if you can't accept anything else, believe that I want to be those things for you."

Pulling back, Dave wiped his face ruefully, the absurdity of the moment suddenly striking him. Aaron had seen him cry before, but never like this. Hell, NO ONE had ever seen him like this. He wasn't exactly ashamed, but he wasn't altogether comfortable either. "I don't know why I did that," he murmured, inhaling deeply, the rawness still too exposed to explain further.

"I'd say it was thirty years in the making, Dave," Hotch replied tenderly, stroking Dave's tense back soothingly, wanting desperately to sooth the obvious pain that was evident in his lover's posture.

Nodding, Dave stared out the window for long minutes, his eyes trying to focus on the bare branch of the graying tree just over the sill. Licking his lips, Dave said, tiredly, "Back then...when it happened, I was in shock. Hell, I was just a kid myself. And when the initial shock passed, I had to be strong for Anna," he said, naming his first wife. "She was, understandably, a wreck, and in those days, a man was expected to act...well, for lack of a better word," he shrugged, not knowing how to explain anything any more, "manly."

"I can't say I understand," Hotch replied softly, his own chest tightening as he felt the palpable emotion. "I don't think anyone that hasn't lost a child can understand what you feel, Dave. But I can say that your feelings...reactions...they're understandable."

"I didn't mean to shut you out," Dave said truthfully, turning to look at his lover, meeting Aaron's eyes directly this time. "You and Jack are the most important people in my world. But I don't know how to control the anger and bitterness that I associate with this time of the year. My emotions are a roller coaster. I thought it was better to take myself out of the equation temporarily than burden you both with it."

"There has never been anything about you that I've ever considered a burden, David," Hotch replied firmly, leaning forward to press a tender kiss to his lover's lips.

"And here I thought you were an intelligent man," Dave chided against Aaron's lips, letting himself lean into the connection, drawing warmth and something he couldn't quite yet identify from the simple touch.

"I'm intelligent enough to know that you took the first step toward healing today," Hotch whispered, resting his forehead against Dave's. "That was a pretty bold move, if you ask me."

"You made it clear you weren't going away unless I came clean. Have I mentioned how irritating that kind of determination can be?" Dave asked with a faint smile, his shoulders seeming to relax with each passing moment, the earlier hostilities lessening as he felt himself surrender to something just out of reach.

"I'm still not going away," Hotch clarified, cupping Dave's jaw before kissing him again.

"Is that so?" Dave asked, tugging Aaron against his chest as he leaned back against the cushions.

"I promised Jack that I wouldn't come back without you. It seems that there's only one thing he wants for Christmas this year," Hotch said, pausing to look up at Dave, waiting until he had the other man's full attention. "His papa. And we both know that I don't break promises to my son."

Closing his eyes, Rossi winced, biting his lip for a second as he attempted to ignore the heavy thoughts threatening to return. "I can't promise that I won't have some bad moments on Christmas, Aaron."

"We can handle those together," Hotch countered, squeezing Dave's hand. "Did you ever think that it might be easier with somebody that loves you...or should I say, two some bodies?"

Smiling as he imagined his almost-son's smiling face, Dave released a long breath. "Okay," he whispered resolutely. "I'll try, Aaron. I guess I should start closing up the cabin so we can get back on the road before nightfall."

"Or," Hotch suggested, his hand sliding over Dave's flannel covered chest, "we could spend one more night. Together."

"Reading my mind again?" Dave asked, his eyes beginning to twinkle, his sorrows fading into the background, their power beginning to fade.

"I am a profiler," Hotch returned easily, sliding his arms around Dave's body as he shifted back to lie against the couch, Rossi's large body following him down.

Pressing Hotch against the couch, Dave stared down into Aaron's dark eyes. "Aaron?"

"Hmmm?" Hotch hummed, the warm weight of Dave's body welcome and familiar.

"Thanks for knowing me better than I knew myself," Dave whispered solemnly as he trailed his fingers against Hotch's cheek.

"The student gives a lesson to the teacher," Hotch murmured, leaning into Dave's touch.

And with a slow grin, Dave chuckled in relief as he let Aaron's warmth seep into him. "Don't get used to it."

"I won't," Hotch replied with a smile as Dave's head descended.

And as the dimming sun set in the west, the bright moon filled the night sky as David Rossi began to heal.

Finis


End file.
